


Decisions

by TwistedNym



Series: Some of us die young [7]
Category: Red Queen - Victoria Aveyard
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-02
Updated: 2018-04-02
Packaged: 2019-04-17 08:33:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,077
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14185032
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TwistedNym/pseuds/TwistedNym
Summary: It's a face he loves, and for what it's worth, he tries his best to love what's behind it even more. He wonders if that's mutual. He isn't stupid enough to really believe he's just a fling. But he's a first. And Thomas knows about firsts. First things get eventually replaced. They may be remembered fondly. But they break. They get discarded.It's why he never attempts to stay. Breaking things is messy and it hurts.Now he finds himself in a situation where he doesn't want it to break.





	Decisions

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Fandom_Overload7890](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandom_Overload7890/gifts).



> Look, I wanted to write a drama, straight sad and spiraling down. But I can't. I'm too caught up in feels. Sadness and dark angsty feels postponed and subtle for now.

Thomas sits cross-legged on Mavens chair. He's scribbling on some of Mavens notebooks, careful not to write over any note that might be still needed. Not that he'd know which one is important. The desk is as clean and as organized as one can expect. It's a little rude, really, but he can't bring himself to sit next to Maven. The words are still in his head and they won't leave.

"Technically I think it's the authors choice, but most people agree that from a certain standard it's dragons four legs and wyverns two-" Maven stops. "Are you even listening?"

"Hm, yeah." He mutters. "Something authors, something four legs dragons."

There is an icky skull staring at him with heart kind of eyes. He looks disgusted at the drawing and scribbles over it to make it unrecognizable. _Don't be silly, Thomas, seriously._

"You asked me if there was a difference between _two_ and _four_ legs."

"For drawing. I always confuse it and then I call it the wrong thing."

The bed makes a little creaking sound when Maven shifts behind him. "So there's a dragon in progress?"

"Maybe." Thomas scratches his chin with the pencil. He's turning around to look at Maven for the first time since they entered the door, untangling his legs. "The last try looked more like the love child of a dragon and a chicken."

"That'd be a cockatrice. If we're going by looks only. Cockatrice come out of toads breeding a roosters egg." Maven leans on his hand, catching himself. "Technically."

Thomas wonders how much of that is still in this head. He guesses a lot. He probably could ramble and Thomas would listen for hours. He always used to make fun of people mooning over another talking like there's something big as the universe in their words. "I love that you just know that."  
There's the slightest of blushes and a very faint smile. It's like the universe wants to kick Thomas in the face for even considering leaving. He still can't shake the thought off.

" But, dude, I just wanna draw a lame ass four-legged fat lizard with a spiky head. Maybe some flames." Thomas drums the pencil on the wood of the table, clonking in a beat. "Yeah, flames are nice. I like flames. Roasting some guy on his horse, he ain't gonna save no friends from their dramatic almost death."

Maven looks amused. "What is it with you and good guys in fantasy? It's like a personal feud."

"I didn't start it," Thomas assures him and gets back to staring at the notebooks page, a mess of scribbled and erased attempts. It's like someone just asked Thomas to draw his life. He'd draw just this. "I have sisters. I must have watched good guys defeating evil a million times. Gets boring. But it's so romantic, you know?" He makes a little barfing sound, leaning over the chair until he almost falls.

"Thomas, defender of the villains," Maven proclaims with a little mock. Thomas bows graciously.  
"I mean, someone has to do it, right? Someone is always the villain in the story, or else it doesn't work." He shrugs."As long as it's not real. Because fuck real life oppression. Buuut. The empire did nothing wrong. Not with those pesky jedi."

"The empire did nothing wrong?"Maven scoffs softly." They were _incompetent_."

"Hey,you don't wanna go there, pretty boy." Thomas warns.

"As long as you leave the prequels alone, I am willing to."

Thomas knits his brows. "I don't know any prequels. Nope, never seen them. Especially not traumatized by kid me loving Jar Jar. That's never happened."

"Ah," Maven smiles very thin." A purist."

It's easy avoiding topics that could really cut the core. They dance around from movies to other things for a while and Thomas almost forgets the bad feeling he's had all week since he met Maven's mother on the bench.

There's a decision and Thomas is deadly scared to make it. Because he can't go on like this, that wouldn't be fair.

"I left some food for you in the fridge."

"I'm not hungry." Thomas tries to shrug it off.

Maven doesn't buy it. At all. "You are always hungry, Thomas."

It's uncanny how certain that sounds. But it's true. He gets up from the chair, waiting.

"After you."Thomas motions.

The kitchen is the same clean scrubbed shiny monster as before.

Thomas clasps his hand behind his back, waiting. At least eating gives him another excuse not to talk.

"Yours is with seafood." Maven says, putting a plastic box on the counter.

Thomas stares at the box as if a demon is about to be summoned from some unholy ritual.

"That was a joke." Maven feels the need to clarify, looking uncomfortable. "I know you hate seafood with passion."

"It's not simple hate. "Thomas says. "I am actually allergic to shellfish. My mother spent a day with me in the hospital once because I was swelling like a balloon. No fun. I'm not a picky eater, but I'll be damned to go near that shit again."

"You could have told me that."

It's the usual discussion. Thomas takes too little care. Maven wants to take too much.

"Eh," he shrugs. "What for? Do you have a list of all my allergies and problems? I'm fine if I stay away. I know the deal by now."

"I don't have any kind of list." The way he avoids eye contact one could mean Thomas just asked him where he hid the amber room. He's a little flustered. Thomas is intrigued. Funny enough, he used to see differences when he stared at Maven's face and the silver flushes. Like a highlight that they weren't the same.

He's still more than aware of the millions of miles between them. But something else has settled too. He knows the face by now. He knows how it feels under his fingertips, how it closes up and cracks, tiny little gaps that reveal bits and pieces of something very fragile.

It's not just a pretty face of some rich kid Thomas finds good looking or cute. The fact they have nothing in common and will never be the same is still nagging at him. Now more than ever. But he's not angry or sad.

It's a face he loves, and for what it's worth, he tries his best to love what's behind it even more. He wonders if that's mutual. He isn't stupid enough to really believe he's just a fling. But he's a first. And Thomas knows about firsts. First things get eventually replaced. They may be remembered fondly. But they break. They get discarded.

It's why he never attempts to stay. Breaking things is messy and it hurts.

Now he finds himself in a situation where he doesn't want it to break.

The words tear at him. That he's not enough. That he is not worth it. That he'll not hold it.

Thomas ignores the flaring pain making his heart cramp.

"Wait a second," he bites his lip and smiles even though he doesn't want to. "You really write a list about me? Seriously? What's on there?"

"It's not a list per se. And you'll never see it."The defenses get up again. Everything gets hidden under as much indifference as possible.

"Pity," Thomas shrugs. "I am pretty sure I could have added a thing or two."

"And that's why you will never see it. I knew you'd laugh."

"I'm not really making fun of you, pretty boy. Only a little." Thomas dares to reach over and give Maven's shoulder a gentle pat. " Why do you need to be so careful about everything?"

Maven leans against the counter. Thomas watches his hands grip on it so tightly his knuckles are turning white.

"Told you, you can cut it loose from time to time. You're with me to have a good time, yeah? We do what you want, I'm ok if I just get to watch you study."

"You're too kind."

Thomas stares for the slightest of seconds. Then he takes the words and puts them in the same place where the smile is already stored and lingering.

"Nah, just really into you." He's not sure why he whispers it. Maybe because it detoxifying his mind, cleansing the words and replacing them with fluttering hope. "I was crushing pretty hard when I told you you were cute. But now it's more of a feelsy thing. I think it's pretty obvious I'm really in love with you." Thomas brushes his hair back." I'm not good at this. I've never done it before. Sorry."

There's a long silence dragging between them. Thomas is almost sure this is the end. He'll leave and never come back.

"Thomas, I'm not-" Maven looks so uncomfortable he might as well crawl out of his own skin.

_I'm not feeling the same way. I'm not sure this is good. I'm not willing to take the risk._

There's a million bad things that start this way.

"Okay." Thomas makes, mechanically.

Mavens hand curls along his cheek, very careful. The touch is almost too soft for him to bear. It's coming out of nowhere and gone as fast again. "I know it doesn't seem like it sometimes, Thomas, but I enjoy being with you."

"That's all I can ask for, I guess." Thomas smiles again, and this time it's genuine.

"No, it's not." Maven looks tired and stern. " You are a good person. You deserve someone who's taking your hand and just laughs with you. Someone you don't need to remind he can relax from time to time."

Maybe he's right. Some things aren't enough to make it worth it. Maybe he should just wait it out for someone who's cracking jokes all the time and who will step in when he sees Thomas is in a possible fight. That would be simple.

He's not a bad person, Thomas said to Farley. Sometimes that's all we can expect.

And it rings true.

" I think," Thomas says, reaching out for any kind of physical contact and taking the very hand that just touched his face. The entwined fingers are blatantly different but still hold on each othertight and safe and warm. "I don't want to go. So let's just do our weird thing and be who we are. If you're okay with that."

"I'm not really okay with, some things," There's another crack in the shell, another insecure moment. Another small voice thrown off by honesty. "But that's a different matter altogether. So yes, sounds good to me."

"Cool," Thomas smiles again, big this time. "Eh, and you'll figure your stuff out, pretty boy, you're the smartest person I know."

There's no dramatic kiss or embrace. No one declares everlasting love.

With one last squeeze the hands part.

Maven's mother will be pissed he decided to stay. Thomas adds her name to the long list of unfortunate events that will eventually kill him.

He's been worked up this whole time. It just needed a measly conversation that didn't even last ten minutes and he's mostly made his peace with it.

A door shuts with a loud thud and makes Thomas jump back.

"Shit." He whispers.

"Move." Maven whispers back. It sounds more like 'run for your life.'

Thomas bolts. He doesn't even open the glass door when he realizes his bag is in Maven's room and he's barefoot.

"Shit!" He repeats. Maven makes a gesture that could be a wave, shoo, or sign language for helicopter. Thomas isn't sure.

There are steps and they are getting awfully close before they stop form the shortest of moments.

Thomas thinks about diving behind the counter and hugging Maven's legs until the nightmare is over. But that's not really a viable option. Maybe it would be if it was a better hiding place.

"Mavey?" a voice says.

"Kitchen!" Maven calls back with much more confidence than Thomas would have anticipated.

He pushes himself against the counter, smoothing over his hair.

"What are you doing?"

"Try to look like I don't freak out?" Thomas shrugs. He's a little freaked out."I don't know!"

Maven's brother looks as good as on the photograph, and Thomas really starts to believe these people put something in their water, because seriously? No good genes in the world can make all the kids around here look that brilliant. Maybe he's onto some super secret project. Thomas shakes his very bright imagination off because now is definetly not a time to dream. He got something nice on him, and Thomas remembers the crooked smile. Thomas has recently learned he's more in the bookish type that knows what a freaking chickendragon is. And well, he isn't smiling now. It's not exactly as mean as Maven's mother. It's still very, very uncomfortable. Thomas stands very still. It's like someone told him he'll disappear if he just doesn't breath.

If a pit would open and offer to swallow Maven whole Thomas is positive he'd take the opportunity with a kiss.

"Thomas," Maven says.

Thomas takes a deep breath and pulls himself up. Straightening his back. "Hey." He manages to say and feels like an idiot.

"This is my brother. Cal. This is Thomas."

"I thought you needed to study." There's something in his voice. Yep, caught in the act. Might as well lie as filthy as he can.

"Actually, he doesn't," Thomas says and smiles as friendly as he can manage. "I do. He's just helping me cause I am a numbskull when it comes to numbers and stuff."

"We' re taking a break." Bless this filthy little liar. He maneuvers around. If it wouldn't contradict the whole story, Thomas would just flip the script and kiss him.

There's something Cal's face, and Thomas doesn't want to find out what the next words are. Because his eyes are looking right at the way THomas and maven stand there.

"Yeah, Imma take this to your room, if you don't mind." Thomas snatches the box and runs for his life.

"I didn't know you'd be back early." he hears Mave say, and with Thomas gone out of sight he sounds a little less embarrassed. Still not perfectly fine, but Thomas can't help and think he's really not going to tell anyone ever. He needs to accept that. He just kinda vouched to stay, after all.

There's some hushed voices Thomas can't understand. When he closes the door he hears Mavens brother laugh.

Thomas puts the box as far away from himself as he can and stares at the window.

When Maven returns he looks a little shaky but not as if he got roasted, but more like relieved because he got away.

Thomas huffs out a stream of air. "That took a while."

"Yes, we had to-" Maven tilts his head when he sees Thomas long face. "What's wrong?"

"No, no, I'm fine, like, really, at least you didn't get trouble." He scratches his head, before he gets up and presses a little kiss on Maven's cheek. "Be right back, need to use the bathroom."  
He doesn't watch exactly where he looks, still cranky and nervous how all this is going. Which is why Thomas jumps for the second time this evening when he encounters Maven's brother on the hallway.  
"Dude,"Thomas tries to recover from the heart attack. "Did you wait for me? That's freaking creepy."

"I didn't. My room's over there." He points somewhere behind him. "But I am glad I got to catch you alone."

I die as I lived, Thomas thinks. At least the floor is clean and I got to kiss my boyfriend.

"You know," Cal says, very calm and casually. He doesn't sound as hostile as Maven's mother, but there's still that cautious undertone. It's the older sibling card. Thomas has witnessed and used it himself. This could end very badly if he doesn't keep the blurps of words in his head for once." I am aware you're dating my brother. Don't you?"

Thomas doesn't look him in the face, studying a scar on the back of his hand. "I hoped it wasn't THAT obvious." He mutters, scratching the side of his nose.

There's something in Cal's face , angular jaw clenched, suggesting he failed terribly at cloaking any fondness the whole time. "Just so we clear, I hope you have good intentions."

"Yeah, because I'm filthy and poor." Thomas scoffs, there's a bitter taste in his mouth.

"No, because he's never brought anyone home, ever." Something about the way he says it is very endearing, and Thomas thinks of his sisters again. But it's also a little scary because if Thomas didn't have good intentions he's sure Cal would break him in the middle like a twig. Thomas doesn't look forward to that prospect. "And he's not easy with people. So don't mess it up."

"Dude, I would let myself get run over by a car if that would help." Thomas looks over with the most serious impression he can muster. "He's smart, cute and he gives me food."

"I'll hold you to that. It was nice meeting you, Thomas." Cal is honest and Thomas hasn't expected honesty. He's still waiting for a slap in the face like Elara Merandus gave him. Plenty, actually.

" Yeah, sure, you too."

Mavens brother gives him a long look and Thomas just blinks and waits. He's got really intense brown eyes, like some sort of bronze, but they are warm, and Thomas starts to think that's what Cal is about, something warm. And that's why Maven isn't fine with him sometimes. Thomas knows the pushing back, the flinching from closeness by now too well." You still have to leave before anyone sees you."

"Eh." Thomas makes eloquently when no joke wants to come out. He's not quite sure what just happened.

_Did I say the right things for once? Well, that's a first._

When he returns Thomas has faced the impossible truth he just got a seal of approval. Be it temporary or not.

"What happened?" Maven asks, but Thomas just slings his arm around him. It's strange how well their bodies fit together sometimes.

"Enough questions for one evening." He says. "My head freaking hurts."

"That's because-" Maven starts, very dry, and Thomas puts his hand over his mouth.

"Shh, no reason to tell me I'm stupid. Brain's too mushy for a good comeback. Let's just make out and eat."


End file.
